you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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