Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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