I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
