so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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