I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
