I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
