I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
