Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
