Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's rum buckets o'clock
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
