I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
