Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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