eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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