This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you made out with another girl for some wings
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
