Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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