How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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