So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
