Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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