consequently i now know what mace tastes like
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
