I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
