then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize