you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
