Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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