I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
