genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
