Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
