I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
