i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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