Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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