Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize