I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
