Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
