you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
