Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
