Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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