I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
