He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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