I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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