Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
no, he came in my armpit
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I just went to clothing optional bar
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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