After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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