I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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