If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
