I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
