Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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