i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
