i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
