I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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