His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
