Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
