I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
