i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
