R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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