it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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