I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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