I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
lol hangovers are for mortals.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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