I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
