I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize