Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
