I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
