How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
