Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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