guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
