Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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