Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
